A big part of being depressed, at least for me, is losing interest in things and finding the motivation and courage to do anything at all. Even when it comes to doing things I enjoy or previously enjoyed. This also applies to things you know you absolutely need to do. But for some reason getting them done, no matter how simple they may be, can seem like an impossible task. At the worst of times, simple everyday tasks seem to take on the form a grizzly bear you need to wrestle with your bare hands.
I've had times while I was still in college and needed to deal with simple things such as filling out and returning forms to keep everything in order with my student loan and scholarship. I absolutely knew that if I didn't return these forms in time with the requested paperwork that my 'sponsor' would simply close the tap and I'd be out of cash, unable to pay for my tuition fees, rent, food, etc. The prospect of running out of money, being unable to continue studying and, basically, working yourself into a pickle that'll be a lot harder to get out of than getting in to would be enough motivation for a normal person to simply pick up a pen, fill out the form and get on with their lives. And how much time could it really take to go over paperwork like this, stuff it in the return envelope, walk to the post office and mail the damn thing? Half an hour? An hour maybe? Nothing at all.
At the time, I just couldn't get around to it. I couldn't get myself started. I'd take one look at the forms and my head started spinning. Visions of doom and gloom filled my mind. I'd see flashes of myself in a horrible scenarios. From being kicked out of my apartment to ending up in the streets and dying of starvation. Every possible consequence and the horrible, unstoppable downward spiral that would follow it leading to my inevitable demise.
Now, you might say, if you knew something bad would happen if you neglected to take action and the actual consequences would probably be far less severe than the ones you'd imagine, wouldn't that be motivation enough to grab a pen and fill the heck out of that form, slam-dunk it into the return envelope, jump into your running shoes and run to the post office with more determination than Forest Gump? You'd think so... but apparently that's not the way it works, at least not for me.
At that point in time I'd sink to the floor and instinctively try to stem the flow of negative thoughts flooding my brain, fearing I'd drown right in 'em there and then. The form would disappear into a dark corner of the room, I'd attempt to compose myself doing... whatever I thought would calm my mind and convince myself to try again soon. Which was no easy task in itself either, believe me. I'll probably get into that one at a later time.
In the end I got it done. I returned all forms after receiving several notices and warnings, but that was weeks after my first attempt.
It seems so silly when you put it all in order. It seems illogical that such a small thing can take so much effort to get done. But, when you're in the middle of a depression, you don't think logically. Everything you do seems futile, useless, irrelevant or impossible.
There does seem to be a difference in having to get things done for myself or for someone else. Even when I'm in a state like I was with those forms, if I have to do something for someone else, or my (lack of) action would have a negative effect on someone around me, it's much easier to get going. Strange but true. It seems like my mind prioritizes the needs of others over my own. Maybe it's being able to look at all the possible negative consequences from a distance. Maybe knowing that it's not me under the chopping block prevents my brain from going into complete brain-fried mode. Who knows.
Thank you for reading and see you soon.
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